I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
