You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My liver is preforming stress tests.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
