I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
