i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
