peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
