the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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