you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
