Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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