opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize