last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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