Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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