Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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