My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
they need to just BURY HIM!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
