Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Randomize
