Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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