His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
