I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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