So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
