people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
