Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
True college students do jello shots in the library
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
