Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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