pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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