Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My balls are so social today.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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