You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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