I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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