Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
