u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i drank out of a bidet.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
