I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
