Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
