totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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