I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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