You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
