Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
