Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
