If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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