Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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