How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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