i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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