did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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