Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
