I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
