YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we're so committed to being not committed
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
