I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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