the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
