when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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