batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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