I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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