New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
