umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
