paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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