There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
