The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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