Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
