I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
