Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
