I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
