he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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